Saving Yourself, or Something Else?

If you haven’t heard, Joshua Harris has recently come out with a statement and a documentary about the ways his views have changed from those he laid out in his book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye.

With all the media and blogs and tweets coming out about this news, it raises again the topic of “purity culture”.

Now, I always look onto these discussions with great interest, because I was raised to save sex for marriage, but I wouldn’t necessarily say I was part of “purity culture”. Primarily because there weren’t many Christians where we lived, let alone enough to form a whole “culture”, but also because there was a distinct lack of creepy Daddy/daughter stuff.

I’ve been specifically thinking about the language we use around sexual purity – the phrase “saving myself for marriage” or “waiting for my future husband”. (The latter being popularised by Rebecca St. James’s song “Wait For Me”. I had the matching journal, Letters to my Future Husband, in which I poured out my weird little teenage heart. Hmm, maybe I was more part of purity culture than I thought…)

The problem with these sayings – euphemisms for abstaining from sex until marriage – is that they place the emphasis, the reason, for not having sex as an unmarried person on the eventual hope that you will marry. And that’s a great hope, even goal for a teenager to have, but what about those who don’t go on to marry, despite desperately wanting to and pursuing this goal?

Where does that leave their sexuality? Being saved for something – someone – that will never come. And to be honest, I think that leads sexual immorality. It leads people to think things like, “If I did the right thing by saving myself, why hasn’t God given me a husband?” and “If doing the right thing didn’t get me what I was promised, then I may as well not bother any more.”

Not to mention, that “saving sex for marriage” is totally the wrong frame. It approaches the issue from the perspective of the (secular) world, who have no moral constraints on sex apart from “consent”, and kind of says, “Well, I’m not going to just have sex whenever I want, I’m going to save it.”

What would it look like, how would we speak about this, if we started from God’s perspective? If we held as right and true that:

  • Sex is a good gift for married couples
  • Singleness is also a good gift.
  • The only appropriate context for sex is within marriage.
  • This is not about a personal or religious choice, it’s simply about obedience.

Maybe then we (and our children) could speak not of “saving ourselves for marriage”, but instead we would talk about “living holy lives to God’s glory” and “obeying God because we love him”.

Whether that looks like getting married and having frequent sex (in obedience to God).

Or staying single and celibate and living wholeheartedly to please the Lord (in obedience to God).

In all things, let’s live to His glory.

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Pray for Your Husband Through the Week

This year I’ve committed to praying for my husband more diligently.

The other day I was thinking about it, and while each of us has friends and a great church family whom we could (and do) call upon to pray, there is no other person who knows my husband more deeply and intimately than I do. And there is no one who knows me more than him.

Therefore, we have such a privileged position when it comes to prayer – we can pray for each other in ways that others wouldn’t even think of. We can direct our prayers with accuracy and love. We can use the daily reminders brought on my living in close proximity to serve as prayer prompts.

We can pray for each other around those sensitive areas that the other person might not be ready to talk about yet.

What a gift it can be when we pray for our spouse intentionally!

One way I’ve been doing this recently is that I set a reminder on my phone for 10am every day to pray for my husband. (I didn’t realise, but apparently our calendars are linked so my husband gets this notification too – he told me he loves it, because it reminds him to pray for me!)

Then I wrote a list where I assigned a generalised prayer point for each day of the week.

Pray for Your Husband Through the Week

This is my list, but you could definitely make up your own prayer points to suit:

M – Maturity in Christ. This is something Paul often tells us he prays for the believers he addresses his letters to. None of us will reach full maturity in Christ until we are completely transformed into His image, so this is a great thing to pray for your husband

T – Trust in Christ. “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way, to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey.” Each Tuesday I pray that my husband will put his trust in Jesus as he walks in obedience to him.

W – Wisdom. I pray that my husband will have wisdom from God in whatever challenges he is facing that day – whether spiritual or earthly.

Th – Theology. I pray for my husband to grow in his understanding of and love for God.

F – Friendship. On Fridays I pray for my husband’s friendships, that they would be a source of joy and encouragement to him.

Sat – Seeing God. I pray that my husband would see God’s hand mightily throughout his day and week.

Sun – Sexuality. I pray for my husband’s sexuality (with thankfulness!) that God would use it for His glory.

 

Each day when the reminder goes off, I take a minute to recall what the prayer point is for that day, and then briefly pray for my husband in whichever way that point best applies to him at the moment.

It’s so simple, but such an effective way to be building up your husband and practically loving him.

Why not give it a try?